Just Plain Funny

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I'm working on cleaning out my e-mail in-box and these gems are too good not to share with you. Maybe this will make up for forgetting to include humor bits in the last several posts.
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For anyone who's ever owned a cat ...

"Instructions for application of oral medicine to domestic feline ... or 'How to give a pill to a cat.'"
(sent in by Connie G in England)

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, - force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Elastoplast to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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Glimpses of the human side of Britain's royal family:
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Overwhelmed by her decorations, no doubt

(sent in by Eric U in B.C.)

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Below confirms my theory that flatulence is the great equalizer of the classes. Click to enlarge this one and study the expressions carefully. Did Prince Phillip cut a grand boomer? Severe lip-biting did not restore decorum well. Note QE2's expression in the last clip when she 'gets the drift'.
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I would have been that kid in the back row
(sent in by Ken)

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A Woman's Guide to Pioneer life

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The following reprint from Housekeeping Monthly c.1955 was sent to me by my old motorcycle buddy John E. in Phoenix because he knew that it summed up my personae to a tee. You see, having the right attitude when plummeting back 100 years into the off-the-grid pioneer lifestyle is everything for a woman.
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It will be necessary to click to enlarge this image and carefully absorb its wisdom before proceeding.
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Why ... I have a whole closet full of those lovely cotton dresses and shapely spiked heels in fact! And I look enchanting in them when I trudge out to the barn through the mud to drag the dogs away from the elk carcass.

When it comes to letting him know that I have been thinking about him all day long, that plate of leftover fuzzy beans and wieners says it all! Ladies, you just can't imagine how much this means to your man. Yes, it's these little things that say 'I worship the ground you walk on (and here it is on your plate)."

And I never fail to put on a fresh babushka over my sun-dried, knotted up hair and apply a squirt of Lysol under each arm. Honestly, I haven't tried that 'be a little gay' thing with him ... it's not really my style and I'm not THAT desperate yet, thank you. If it gets that bad, I will strap on a tool belt and trigger my Makita cordless drill at him alluringly.

But I do fussy up the household clutter, or at least anything weighing under 30 pounds. Fifty pound bags of dog food are just part of the decor these days. Any stove stains under .001" thick also fall into that category. You just have to find your own comfort level here.

Making that lovely fire might add more stress than relaxation for my returning beloved since we don't have a fireplace. About the best I could offer is a layer of flammables over our gas flame space heaters. Honestly, I think this is a man's job and Mark truly enjoys arranging for unexpected pyrotechnics all by himself. Why rob them of this satisfying creative outlet?

"Prepare the children" Well, I tend to lean towards the prep methods of the senior heroine in the Hanzel and Gretel tales ... nuff said. I'm looking at the two kids in that illustration and wondering what incriminating things they will pull out of dad's briefcase.

Don't stop learning how to appear to please while getting what you want! I have learned so much about how important staged emotions are in just these last few days! Never underestimate playing the sensitive female card. Had I known then what I know now, I could have ruled the world by now! Ladies, we need to work more emotionally, not harder - everyone will be a winner, just trust me on that one.

If Mark decided to hit the big city with Slim for a few days, well, I wouldn't say a word but be waiting with a smile ... and perhaps a large sledge hammer. Or I might have that warm hemlock toddy waiting in his favorite cup. Just kidding ... he's a true engineer, that's all I should have to say.

As the article so wisely states "You have no right to question him." "A good wife always knows her place." You bet, that's me and the big secret to our success out here!
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Wild Humor Photos

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Since the last post was about our hunting guests and their trophies, I will add a few humorous wildlife-related photos which have shown up by e-mail in the last year. In a day or two, I hope to be over the deep chill bug which an outlander brought in to the canyon.

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."Should we ban fox hunting?"
(sent in by Fat Hairy)

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"Why trampolines can be dangerous"
This photo ought to inspire some buck fever.
(sent in by Alphonse Da Moose)

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"How to spot a hunter with a DWI"
(supplied by Mark)
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"Why bull elk LOVE their long antlers"
(sent in by John in Phoenix ... I think?)

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A Spring Fever Hike For The Cats

Current news:

"It was a dark and stormy night ... " Well, it wasn't until Murphy and his laws stepped in again. There was only a 20% chance of thunderstorms called for today. They did not arrive until a few minutes ago which, of course, was not long after Mark asked if I would do the generator shut-down tonight. The heavy rains came without warning so there was no chance to slip out before the ground became slick. I can picture myself tripping into the drainage ditch, doing the splits in the mud and bunging up my bad knee so there is not much incentive to rush out there now. The only other incentive might be to avoid losing the computer in a lightning strike, OH, like that one ... F-L-A-S-H ! ! ! ... one ... two .... KERASSHHH!!! Certainly got the kitty boys' attention that time. So, here I am waiting out the worst of it. Can't dance, might as well write a new blog entry.

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The kitty boys were not to be denied their walk any longer, not this morning. They had seen the dry ground from the big window, felt the unusual warm press of the sun in their fur and they now sat like tall teapots in front of the door as if intense stares would make it open.

With Mark off on a supply run, I would be alone for most of the day and I had not planned anything too exhaustive. Neither of us have recovered our energy since that last bout of illness. The cats' glares were starting to get to me so I finally opened the door to the porch. They both slid outdoors, down the steps and over to the moving trailer in a swift and mercurial motion. They were on a recognizable mission so I found my rubber boots and headed over to the mesa wall. Sure enough, they were on my heels and soon we were all, Brou included, up on the first bench (first lower step of the mesa). We had hiked along this bench many times and it was Beautiful Dave The Cat who decided that we should assault the second bench today. By then we were well west of our known trail up but we started up anyway. It required a little more athletics than normal, a little more energy than I had hoped to invest but the trio were thrilled with the adventure.

We were now so close to the top but the last barrier to success was a solid wall of sandstone over ten feet high. We skirted along its base, hopping from boulder to boulder or occasionally sliding down boulder faces as the ledge changed levels abruptly. It was Brou who found the final path to the top, although in a disturbing way. I happened to look over just as he made a leap over four feet straight up. He missed the unseen target, his toenails audibly scribing the rock, and he fell back down and tumbled for several feet. Fortunately, the ledge was wide enough that he didn't turn into a rolling stone and end up back down at the first bench. As usual, he was back on his feet instantly and grinning merrily. It reminded me of our last outing when it was I who lost footing on some dried leaves, fell right square on my ... dignity ... and then did a lumpy side roll down through the rocks and sticks for fifteen or twenty feet before inertia let loose its claim on me. It's funny how, even though you are miles from anyone, one of the first things you do is look around to see if anyone saw you perform that most undignified descent.

My achy hip and knees winced at that recollection but we were all ready to inspect Brou's potential path. Before I could boost him up, Brou made a second lunge and cleared it this time. Dave and Ming followed immediately behind and now all were staring back down at me impatiently. Not to be the poor sport, I kneed, butted and dragged my ample carcass up, through and over the last boulders. The view was a breath-taking reward. The flat plane of our normal canyon bottom existence expanded upwards and outwards as new mesas and far skies were revealed. The ribbon of our canyon and creek extended for miles more beyond our normal perspective. Even the kitty boys sat down on the rock ledge to contemplate this new view of our world. I cannot describe the feeling of peace and contentment to quietly sit with friends, large or small, and simply exist in such a beautiful place.

I always let the kitty boys set the pace and eventually Ming initiated the homeward descent. As much as he fusses if he thinks we are going on a hike without him, he loves the return trip best. With the help of gravity, it wasn't long before we were all back home at the rat.

As I sat collapsed in the wing chair, I heard a familiar noise just outside the open window and looked up. The first hummingbird of the year had returned, looking for last year's feeder. I realized that even the feeder bracket had disappeared during the re-siding project and felt like a complete heel as he flew away a few seconds later. I curtailed my rest and went in search of the feeders. They are now back in place and ready for the hordes to return. I had once read an e-mail about how 'they' send out scouts so you have to get the feeders up early. Good heavens, what utter poppycock. By that comment, you'd assume that hummingbirds traveled in massive divisions like the U.S. cavalry. Hardly. If you miss the first ones, there will always be more showing up later in ones and twos.

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Humor of the day (this one's from Virgil's Mom)

Take 60 seconds to try this. It's too amusing not to.

1. go to www.google.com

2. click on "maps"

3. click on "get directions"

4. type "New York City" in the first box (the "from" box)

5. type "London, England" in the second box (the "to" box)

6. hit "get directions"

7. scroll down to step #24 (this number might change however so look around in that vicinity if the gag line isn't apparent)