The Dream That Got Away

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These photos were uploaded months ago. Then all post progress stopped in its tracks until now. While I had always presumed that my writing came from within my heart, I discovered otherwise this year. I had always managed to write through some pretty devastating heart breaks in the past. Writing had apparently come from my spirit, my spunk, my soul and those aspects were nearly crushed this year. If not for an unexpected but too brief visit from Terry this Spring, even the very spark of corporeal life itself would have extinguished for me. That spark might not be very strong but at least it remains for the time being and despite the events since his death. Fate has since fired another shot across my bow to remind me that many things have to be addressed as soon as possible when I had a noticeable second heart attack a few weeks ago. It was obviously not ‘the big one’ in that several aspirins and sitting so very quietly got me through this one as well. It had also worked once for Terry while we awaited his appointment with a specialist, one that came too late.

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I could write volumes here about the brutal injustices of our health insurance system, our misplaced trust and faith in humans, ignoring on good faith the blatant red flags people present and more as cautionary tales for your own edification. Perhaps I will not rekindle my joy in writing until I do but doing so also goes against my own old inclinations. “Mother, I am still trying to turn the other cheek and remain silent as you so wished but my neck now looks like a barley-twist table leg and I am suffocating from the silence.” I have been nearly mortally offended by abuse of our trust as much as Terry was. Perhaps we were simply unsuited anachronisms for this new age. I know that Terry, like I, was deeply hurt by the number of people who abused our old-fashioned trust in the last five years and deeply frustrated to be told that we should be the ones who needed to change; to become as suspicious and even as hard, self-serving and larcenous as those around us. He had been the most principled, caring and most ethical man I had ever met and he stuck by that character to the very end. And he apparently remained my best friend beyond death, despite the vicious ad hominem attacks by those who rushed in to step on my neck when my face was already pressed deeply into the dirt of surviving without his protection. The great irony of those attacks was that those very people had contributed most to his final and deadly physical heart strain. One even had him breaking ice all winter under the impression that he was employed but offered him nothing at the end. Terry was deeply hurt by that treatment but said nothing to me about it until the day before he died. I would like to write more about his brief after-death visit and how he had me look for and discover the answer to so many troubling mysteries in the last five years of his life and our life together but I cannot venture further at the moment for this is already so hard to commit to paper. But I would like to thank him here for remaining my best friend still. I hope you all find such a friend in this life before you are done with this short earth dance. I also thank our old friends John, Virgil and his wife, and Robin and Jess for sticking by us both after the good times train ended abruptly. God takes copious notes, ever and always, and whether you believe in Him or not.

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To bid adieu to this year, I wanted to share our first but short-lived dream-come-true with you. We never forgot this place. Being only five minutes from pavement and closer to medical aide, it is possible that Terry might have even still been alive now if we had persevered. Ironically, it is up for sale again but then I realized that the agent just cost me over $2K because he couldn’t be bothered to help me out with an agent’s appraisal of our ranch for estate purposes. He sold us the place, had all the paperwork already. You would think that he might do it as an ‘in’ to get the inevitable listing at least. Excuse my language but .... what a complete and utter dickhead.

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Soooo ... I will now share the photos of this first magnificent place with you but without any link to the agent - there is some minor satisfaction in that at least. And, typical of most RE agents, they never presented these most breath-taking views of the ranch. I hope you enjoy this tour as much as we did.

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This was the ranch which excited us the most in our search for our dream home. .
.. The photos in the listing weren't even as lovely as this one. Once we got there, the sense of awe increased with every mile spent in the agent's well-bruised 4WD truck.
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. Here is Terry with the showing agent; a sawed-off little man who we liked less as the hours of conversation progressed. He used to be in the 'sell and repo' trailer business and hadn't fallen far from that avocation and mindset since.
.. The views became more captivating as we climbed up into the far ranch lands.
. This place covered ten square miles of widely varied vistas that kept getting better and better.
.Shorty and Terry again, this time in the wind-carved sandstone sculptures.
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It had your own private mini grand canyon views. Chaco Canyon lay just ten miles to the south and visible here if you knew where to look.

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In our unbridled enthusiasm, we made the mistake of taking old 'friends' back out there with us on our second viewing. When the male of the pair panned the place completely and so negatively, we were caught totally off guard and declined when our offer was met with full asking price. The lesson here is to NEVER let anyone put you off your heart's desire. Please learn from our regrettable mistakes and misplaced trust - only you can pursue and will live in your dream in the end. Surround yourself with positive friends and quickly discard those who rarely have anything positive to say about your dreams or they just might also step on your neck later when you need them the most.

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Here's to a hopefully better year for all of us. I know you have all had your own challenges this year as well but please know that Terry and I are here cheering you on. Don't stop the good fight now ... we're just warming up!

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