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It is now one year of non-stop activity and stress since my best friend left us all. I had a delightful story in mind about Terry and our experiments at playing horseless cowboy cadets but I think it might have to wait a bit longer. I am a creature who needs a settled and quiet environment to bring my thoughts to paper and it has been anything but lately. Mostly towards a good end but nonetheless the current upheavals have me bouncing off the walls and finally chased into this one room plus the temporary bedroom in the cramped company of the cats, dogs and refugee belongings and paperwork teetering in high stacks.
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But a lovely and comfortable goal is nearing completion now. I have been without a kitchen for a month now but, when it is done, it will be a tidy and homey joy without rickety trailer-quality cabinets that slashed my hands from previous drywall screw repairs and appliances that only partially worked. I can't wait to show you the finished product but it will still be a while yet. I found a really enjoyable person to install oak floors over the swollen and nasty subfloors in what will be my bedroom, the hall, living room, new washer/dryer space and the kitchen. It will look great when it is done but, for now, it has been more of a tense exercise in finding homes for the furniture and boxes already crammed into a far-too-small house. My cooking facilities had dwindled to a wide-slot toaster but even it has now been displaced in the ever-tightening no-live zone. Soon though, soon!
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I suppose the most frustrating problem is that I burned out my once superior multi-tasking abilities. Apparently they are gone for good and refuse to come back. With three or four different contractors flitting in and out of the scene, I have managed to fall behind on the day-to-day household management. This, in turn, has caused more stress which is blocking my writing now. How about giving me another month to see if this immediate jumble falls into place? Right now, it is difficult for me to imagine having a settled home once again but the thought that it is near is keeping me going one day at a time. I think you will enjoy the tale of two green horns in cattle country when I do emerge from this settled and victorious. Thanks for being patient with me - it has been greatly, greatly sustaining.
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Above, the summer rains arriving last year in late July. I was now alone out at the Rat, hoping that the rains would not destroy the only road out. But the long and broad view was also comforting, reminding me that we are all at the hands of nature and fate..
In such a broad vista, you can see the sun breaking through the clouds and traveling along foot by foot to light up near and far flats and mesas in stunning ways. When the rains wash over in pursuit of the sun patches, the smell of parched clay now moistened is a fragrance that you will never forget. That smell signals a burst of life that patiently laid waiting and soon the toads long dormant in the mud would emerge in a deafening cacophany of bobby whistles, all searching for a mate before the new pools and ponds drift away once more with the sun and wind. This brutally harsh and honest land was our most beloved home and, yes, I still miss it terribly. It is where we were both last seen truly alive. ..
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52 comments:
Take all the time you need... the photos are so wonderful.. I know your home will be just right when it is completed... can't wait to see the finished rooms...
So very relieved to know you are making significant progress and maintaining a stamina that would cause anyone to go crazy. Very anxious to see the pictures of the finished projects. The pictures included in the post are beautiful and very peaceful looking even though a storm was brewing.
I would say your time away from the blog has been very productive.
Love,
S & J
Thank you so, A1 - I am now getting a little more enthused about this new place as my wonderful helpers work their magic. This reminds me; I need to take more 'before and during' photos before they get ahead of me!
Hey, J&S, I know you've always enjoyed our project pictures. You will certainly enjoy the kitchen results - me, I can't wait to get a real sink and counter back since the tiny bathroom lav is no place to be doing dishes and pans of any sort. It's been a starvation diet occasion so far.
You know, even in the worst of weather out there, it still held a peaceful something so hard to describe, so hard to leave behind.
It's good to hear from you. I had been thinking of/wondering about you. I can certainly understand the pains of renovations and living in the mess of it all. I know you miss Terry and my heart goes out to you. Such a loss for you.
Anxious to see the before and after pictures. From what I've seen of your other projects, I know they will be wonderful.
Hey, one step at a time. One day at a time.
Those pictures are beautiful. I miss all those posts from the desert. The petroglyphs and all. That was a beautiful time. It'll be great to see how things are comeing together for you in this new life.
g.margie, it's good to hear from you, too! While this place won't undergo quite the extensive makeover as our old projects, it won't take too much to bring it up quite a few notches either. The next two days will be the roughest - when the floors must not be trod upon by any critter at all. Yikes!
Nice to hear from you again. I was sad not to be able to leave a comment on the previous post. All the best to you, Lin.
You will have to share how you keep critters off floors for 2 days. Hopefully weather outside will allow them out. I can tell this could be a blog all in its own.
S
FHB, I think of your mom often and wonder how she is coping, too.
If I can afford to keep the ranch, we still have to get you guys out there for a visit and tour some day. I know you'd absolutely love it out there.
Better not take ME along, then---I'm afraid that after a visit an' tour, I just might not wanna go back to my own home! Kinda like the ol' dog that keeps comin' back for a treat each day---even if he ain't yours...!!!
This is such a lovely, bittersweet post. I know when your kitchen is all together again, it will have been well worth the bother. I'm so sorry you lost your dear one so soon, and I'm so glad you landed in such a lovely place together.
Jeff said it right...tak'er as she comes. Life's a bitch in in happier times, but things always seem to work out in the end...not in 20 minutes like a sitcom, but in time.
I think of you often and wonder how you are doing and how I would cope under similar circumstances, but it's only human to put that out of your mind as best you can.
Never forget...which you naturally can't, but let the memories be the good fertilizer for tomorrow's happiness and adventures.
I remember the smell of summer rain on limestone soil as I chopped cotton years and years back...similar I would say to what you were talking about. It's memories like that make us smile...not cry.
Thanks, Craver, it was good to hear from you again as well - sorry I haven't been around to visit anyone for quite a while. Thanks for not giving up on me, dear soul.
Bruno, you really would find the peace and isolation hard to leave. Just remember that I never balked at throwing hot dogs to visiting pups - just like your two neighbor dog friends. All I have to do is make the shopping list a little longer, no problemo!
Phlegmmy, when you stop by, you will see a BIG difference in my new Golgotha kitchen. That's when we can get into some serious cooking fun. Can't wait until you get to visit the ranch either - I bet you will love as much as we did.
Thank you, Mushy. I am glad that you brought up how someone else's tragedy triggers thoughts applying to yourself and the results are uncomfortable. I hope neither of you have to go there for a good long while. Other than to think about the practical matters of the 'what ifs' when the time comes, there really isn't any point in fretting over the inevitable - fully enjoy every minute together like it might be the last. We've both had some serious blessings along the way - if ya still got'em, enjoy them! I know you two will!
S, the floors got got their last treatments a few of hours ago. The dogs stayed out last night (a first) and I am not supposed to let them back in until dusk. I am in deep pooh with them, no doubt. Just hope Brou won't start the usual mock battle with Daisy since it will be a couple of weeks before the finish is fully hardened. Guess I will be playing hall monitor until then.
I just finished reading ALL your blog...WOW! I am so happy to have found it & you.
It has been a almost a year since I first lost my job, than my loved one and then my home and most eveything else. I am now living with family and adjusting to this new life. I miss my life as it was,,,but I am moving forward despite of my loss & sorrow.
Your words have brought me comfort and "companionship"...THANK YOU!
Diane, I am very glad that you found me, too! There is nothing like a little company who can relate to what you are going through such as a sudden tailspin down from the blue skies. I am even more glad to hear that you have family to help you back up. With our families over a thousand miles away at the closest, it has been a severe challenge to go it alone. You've got your family and now you've got me when things get discouraging. We will both rebound one way or the other, just watch!
Hi Lin,
Your renos are going to be done just in time for the upcoming fall and winter seasons. M-m-m-m-m cosy. Can't wait to see the before and after pics.
Being a long time multi-tasker, I feel so much better doing one thing at a time and often with a nap in between. Sometimes I sit and think and sometimes I just sit. It's a good way to live.
Take care, sweetie.
xxxx Barbara
Gotta ask Lin. Has the year flown by or crawled?
I know the older we get that time does so in warped speed(even though we know it's no faster than before)....but I am just wondering if the time has slowed or stayed at the quick pace we seem to have at our age?
Hang in there, you seem to be coping.
pat
Great photos... as always... and even better news about the new life coming together.
I just subscribed to your RSS feed so as not to be late to future parties. Who said you can't teach an ol' dog a new trick?
Owly, I have this antique parlor wood stove that I might bring in for the winter. Not for heat but just for cozy effects. I got gouged on my first and only load of wood and heating with natural gas was half the cost and without the wood crud and ash dust everywhere.
Isn't single-tasking time the greatest thing since sliced bread? For me, sometimes, just sitting mentally quiet counts. I truly cherish those rare moments. xxx! Lin
Oh Pat, this last year has rocketed past me! My months go by like the weeks of my youth now. Weeks seem two days long at best. So much still to do but time seems ever quickening now. Even my much younger friends are noticing it so it ain't just us old farts.
Yep, I am coping ... perhaps it's the defiant part of me still calling for survival to spite fate and its small lackeys.
Buck, I was wondering where you got to.
Yep, looks like I might be able to have blog company over this year after all!
You are obviously WAY ahead of me on the old dog learning curve. I didn't even know that I had an RSS feed. What caliber does it feed?
What caliber does it feed?
At least 50 cal, in the blog-world. You ARE a shooter, M'Dear. :D
Buck, you sure know the right numbers to make my lil ol'heart go pitty-pat - something in a nice BMG was always my dream of proper plinking fun.
Hi Lin, ya ole coot (should that be cootie)?
Sorry it's taken so long to get to your posting.
I discovereed some time ago that dear old Google also a feature on the Dashboard Page that lets me keep with blogs I try to follow.
You're getting there mi dear. Keep at it and don't let the barstids getcha down. (I always thought multi tasking was a buncha you know what. Not worth the tensions and nerves that it takes to control. 'Course that's a male's opinion.)
Take care Lin and remember to be the pack leader of the dogs. They'll love it.
Hang in there kiddo it will turn out. Love the photos though, the sky around here looks like that alot these days.
That's cootessa to you, Cat.
I feel so bad that I haven't been up to going out to do my blog visits either so don't worry about it at all. I know you're out there caring anyway.
I'm holding my own as alpha dog so far but the double-digit cats are beating me up pretty good, twisting me around their fuzzy little toes shamelessly.
Thanks, Alex! Hope your clouds are bringing you more rain this year than last down there. Rain = good!
I had not realised how much I missed the "big sky" photos until I stumbled across this post.
One day I will make it over to NM to see the desert and your good self at first hand - will need to buy a better camera before that.
Good to hear that the kitchen is nearing completion and that the flooring is mostly done - down critters, I said DOWN!
Lin! Oh Lin! You're here!!!! In fact you were here almost a week ago with this new post, and I am the one who is REALLY late to this party.
This summer has been filled with so many things that are distracting me -- travel and family and craft projects and gardening and the usual medical stuff and dealing with this heat -- and now I realize these are nothing but poor excuses and I have been neglecting my friends. I'm feeling really crummy about this right now.
Enough about me. I AM SO glad to see you are posting and hanging in there and starting some of your own new projects -- all of that is a healthy sign to me that even though you still must do it in baby steps, you are showing all of us what a tough woman you are and that with Terry's blessing from above, your life is going forward. Isn't it nice to know he is always there - in your heart forever?
Please forgive my long absence from your blog and your email and your life. I love you, my friend. You are always an inspiration to me.
Sharon
dba, you can always borrow my camera when you get here, you know. Just bring your own flash card if you don't want to spend time uploading your photos to home.
This phase of house flooring is now done! Yesh! The washer and dryer should be working today and maybe the cabinets (minus counters) can be put in today as well. It's your kitchen next, isn't it?
towanda, don't even think about apologizing or feeling bad about not stopping by - seems that we are ALL in that same boat this summer. I need to get out and blog visit myself but these little micro disasters keep popping up and distracting me. I'm doing a much better job of ignoring the really big disasters waiting to drop on me!
Let's hope autumn starts cutting us all some slack.
CONGRATULATIONS!! "The phase of floors now done" And the dogs aren't in the "Dog house"? Major success! Washer/dryer hooked up - have fun washing in HOT water. Sounds like things are falling into place.
Progress is marching on!
Love,
S
S, Yesh! The floors are done! But I didn't say the dogs were not in the doghouse - they did okay until yesterday. I found two sets of splayed dog toe scratches in the LR floor. Someone dug in and launched themselves apparently. But it's still not as bad as when I had floors redone long ago and Rita mixed it up with a visiting Rott THE VERY NEXT DAY!
Perhaps they follow the example of youngsters and older adults who feel the need to write their initials or leave a hand print in wet concrete on the street - sort of "BC lived here"
S
PS - Can't wait to see pictures!!!
Lin, what beautiful, evocative pictures. I wish I could just walk right through my monitor into the landscape.
I can't wait to see the before and after pictures of the renovations, too. So much to look forward to...
Just make sure to take care of yourself, too.
You know, anything I can think to say to you about loss and coping sounds so trite to me. You're LIVING it, and doing so in a most admirable fashion.
S, there is a few of those kiddy marks in the old concrete work around here, too. Maybe I should just trowel out a patch of wet concrete and let all the critters get it out of their system before this new floor is ruined. One could hope it might help.
Eeeks - you just reminded me that I forgot to take transition photos! The camera is now out in the middle of my desk to remind me ... kind of like everything else now.
Christine, you know, one of my goals in doing the blog and posting photos was so that other folks could step out into the ranch, too, even if only in a mini thought vacation. When I was really little, I used to daydream of having a wonderfully wild place to live so I like to share it with other folks with wistful dreams now.
I know what you mean, Christine, I truly know what you mean. And it's okay - sometimes we don't have to say much at all to let someone else know we care. Thank you, girl.
Hello, dear Lin. I just returned home this afternoon from my 4500 mi.adventure and enjoyed most recently the narrow gauge railroad in Chama, NM, with my friends (the train chasers) who retired there. That couple, the other couple in Winslow, AZ, (whom I'd not seen since 1978) and the divorced friend I spent a week with in Portland, OR, spoiled me rotten. Visiting them evoked the good memories of my life with my first former husband whom they all knew in Germany in the mid 70's. Having been divorced twice, I relish good times and grow forward from both the good and unhappy times I had with each man. The saddest thing for you is that your beloved Terry did not choose to leave you as both of mine did. I think of you often and wish I'd had time to at least meet you in town for a meal or something on this trip. My eyes and ears were popping all over the many states I visited on this most welcome trip. (I hope I can remember how to do my job when I return to work Wed.) Can't wait to see your new kitchen! Belle
I have been thinking of you. Your life changed last year on my birthday - so I sent you a special good thought this year. Your post about the rain and the wide open horizons is just what I need to remember right now. Thank you!
Belle, I was wondering if you were home yet. I so wish we had taken the time to enjoy that narrow gauge, too, so I am glad that you did it for us. On our big vacation in '99, we did see it go by a campground that we stayed in but there were too many other things going on at the time to take a ride. I guess the moral here is do as much of it as you can before your ticket expires. I am thrilled that you are doing just that, especially when you have good friends to spoil you along the way!
Aww, Val, I so regret that my disaster fell on your birthday. Seems like I have seen disasters fall on all the special days or close enough to take the some of the original joy out of them for me later.
I apologize, too, not not getting over to visit - I really miss your photographic journalling of the folk roadside memorials and other vignettes so unique to our region. Hope all is well at your end despite our big fiscal slump.
what a fabulous piece of writing, especially those last few lines...
Lin,
It was a year ago that I discovered your blog. You had just lost Terry, and I was reading of your loss, your pain, then going back and reading of your discoveries together of the rugged land the two of you were taming together. Or harnessing. Or hanging onto for dear life. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading of your life, then following your travels as you packed up and moved on. You write of the last place you were truly alive. You are lucky to have had that time. I know those are mere words, but to have found "the one"....you were and are so very lucky. I have told more than one person of the blog "If The Creek Don't Rise," and note how the writer understands perhaps better than anyone the importance of symbolism, talismans as you have reminded me, and of living life to its fullest. For you never know when life will change..... I am glad you continue to progress, though life is different. He was lucky to have you, just as you were lucky to have him. You honor his memory with every word you write, and every day you live life as best you can.
Simon, I do apologize for not catching up with your comment sooner - life has been deliciously eventful, although stressful, of late.
I so very much appreciate your encouragement. And I know you would have been right there with me, desperately ferrying puddle-locked tadpoles to the larger bodies of water still remaining in hopes that I had helped beat their slim odds of survival. It was a very satisfying pursuit.
Enigma, like Simon, I must apologize to you for not replying sooner. Apparently someone has exchanged the drive belt ratios on the speed of events and my ability to keep up with them because life and time has nipped ahead of me in amazing ways.
I well remember your post back then of the rumpled candy wrapper and the cascade of memories it unleashed. And the fact that you could write so pointedly on this subject which few would even stop long enough to grasp as life significant. Good on ya, lad - you are well ahead of the slobbering mongrel pack.
You brought me to tears with this one.
A year of love, of mistrust and loss, a year of learning about human nature and all it's ugliness, and it's beauty.
I year I wish I could take back, yet I needed it to move forward.
I hope this note finds you at peace.
Brigid, if anyone knows a tough year when they see it, your sure do, along with the inscrutable parts of human nature. I think we have both fared well against those many challenges - don't lose the stride now and I will promise I won't either!
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