This is a distraction from the usual course of our journal that I just needed to follow. It was sent to me by the much beloved Katlady. I'm just 'funny' about the tools and supplies that took decades to amass and that supported my sense of technical independence. After our move from Hell, it really hit home. Once the thoroughly unscrupulous movers declared that our privately-owned semi-trailer van was full to the gunnels, my treasured shop belongings (along with metric tons of other needed items for our new life) began to bleed out at the seams as acquaintances gleefully departed with the 'excess', the remainder going by default to the house buyer. Now, every time I look for a specific nut, bolt or oddball tool, it comes back to frustrate me. All my unobtainium restoration supplies are gone as well. Sigh. It wasn't until we made room in the rat trailer and started to unload the back end of the van that we discovered that the professional packers had only loaded the rest of the van to half full, that fact nicely hidden behind an impressive wall of floor to ceiling goods that they showed us at the very back end. To add insult to injury, the supposed uncle of one of the movers called the next day to say that he had heard that we were giving away FREE antiques?! Misanthropy is often a well-earned mindset. I still want to cry when I think of all the things that we could have salvaged to make life easier for us now. The budget simply won't allow for replacement of it all, even if it were all still available at any price and we are now two hours instead of 15 minutes from hardware and big box stores. But I rant and digress. I love this following bit of much needed humor regarding my cherished tools. It is all too true:
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Humor of the Day:
TOOLS AND THEIR ACTUAL USE
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the knuckles and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part that was set aside to dry.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch..."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also useful for spinning drill bits in reverse until the tip glows red.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. The word 'hack' is very telling here.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammables inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket for which you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Also useful for calling the parts store and complaining that the moron at the counter gave you what you asked for, and it's not the right one.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood and metal splinters. It is made from a magical material that turns invisible when you need it and re-appears when you don't.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes you absolutely have to have and ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the Sunshine Vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened over 58 years ago by someone at Chevrolet, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the expensive metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. Also used to bend or break expensive, irreplaceable collector car parts.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
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